


I Said "I Don't Give A Darn!"

by lynnthere_donethat



Series: One-Shots [2]
Category: Smosh
Genre: Abbott and Costello, Comedy, Transcribed, Who's On First, baseball references, comedy bits, idk why but this made me very happy, inspired by Abbott and Costello
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 22:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19710835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnthere_donethat/pseuds/lynnthere_donethat
Summary: Shayne wants to join the local baseball team and get to know the players. How hard can it be?Based off the famous comedy bit by Abbott and Costello





	I Said "I Don't Give A Darn!"

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the characters or the script. I just meshed them together!

Sun shining, and the crisp smell of freshly mowed grass graced the light and airy breeze. After an extended practice had ended, the Baseball team manager Ian Hecox noticed a lone figure approaching the dugout. The male had dirty blond hair, blue eyes and wore relaxed street clothes. He gave a friendly wave, which was returned. 

“Hey, you the manager for this fine team?” the boy asked.

“Sure am! Name’s Ian. Yours?” The man asked, extending a hand out. A roughened hand met his. 

“Shayne Topp.” The stranger greeted shaking his hand. They released and sat on the bench to continue the chat.

“Well Shayne, I'm the coach for this here baseball team. How can I help you?” Ian prompted.

“Well I’m looking to join this here team. Ian, if you're the coach, you must know all the players?” Shayne asked.

“I certainly do. Kinda hard to manage a team without knowing the boys.” Ian said, grinning easily.

“Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.” Shayen reasoned with a shrug. Ian nodded.

“Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.” Ian warned.

“You mean funny names?” Shayne asked confused.

Ian nodded. “Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean…”

“His brother Daffy.”

“Daffy Dean…”

“And their French cousin.”

“French?”

“Goofè.”

“Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third…” Ian listed, as he pointed out their positions. 

“That's what I want to find out.” Shayne said, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.” 

“Are you the manager?” Shayne asked, stopping Ian.

“Yes.” Ian nodded. They’ve covered this multiple times at this point.

“You gonna be the coach too?” 

“Yes sir.” Ian nodded.

“And you don't know the fellows' names?” Shayne asked incredulously. 

“Well I should.” Ian said, gesturing to the field.

“Well then who's on first?” Shayne prompted.

“Yes.” Ian answered.

“I mean the fellow's name.” Shayne said, quirking his brow.

“Who.” Ian said

“The guy on first.” Shayne repeated.

“Who.”

“The first baseman.”

“Who.”

“The guy playing…”

“Who is on first!” Ian said, getting annoyed of this little game.

“I'm asking YOU who's on first.” Shayne said, jabbing a finger into Ian’s chest.

“That's the man's name.” Ian defended.

“That's who's name?” Shayne asked, confused.

“Yes.” Ian said, glad they were settling this argument. ‘ _ God, I hope this don’t continue for the rest of my guys… _ ’ Ian thought wearily.

"Well go ahead and tell me.” Shayne said.

"That's it.” Ian said, swiping his arm up as a way in presenting Shayne was correct.

"That's who?” Shayne asked.

"Yes.” Ian affirmed, a pleased smile gracing his features.

"Look, you gotta first baseman?” Shayne asked, feeling weary.

"Certainly.” Ian said. 

"Who's playing first?” 

"That's right.” 

"When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?” Shayne asked. ‘ _ This kid does NOT understand it…’ _ Ian realized slowly. He continued on however, this exchange proving itself to be amusing.

"Every dollar of it.” Ian said, nodding.

"All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.” Shayne said, thwapping his hand against Ian’s shirt. 

"Who.”

"The guy that gets…” Shayne tried, his thoughts dead-ending as he tried to comprehend.

"That's it.” Ian nodded, encouragingly.

"Who gets the money…” Shayne tried again.

"He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.” Ian said, nodding.

"Who's wife?” Shayne asked.

"Yes.” Ian affirmed.

“"What's wrong with that?” Ian asked, confused after noticing the troubled look on Shayne’s face. The younger seemed affronted that this man’s lovely doll of a wife was sent to pick up her husband’s checks.

"Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?” Shayne asked.

"Who.”

"The guy.”

"Who.”

"How does he sign…” Shayne tried, feeling weary from trying to get the blasted first baseman’s name! 

"That's how he signs it.” Ian said, shrugging. He had no choice over how Who signed his damn receipts. 

"Who?” Shayne asked.

"Yes.” Ian said, nodding. 

"All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.” Shayne pleaded.

"No. What is on second base.” Ian said, stopping Shayne before he went on a tangent. Ian could see Shayne’s brain pull itself to a screeching halt as he processed Ian’s words. 

"I'm not asking you who's on second.” Shayne tried feebly. 

"Who's on first.” Ian said, gesticulating to the first base bag.

"One base at a time!” Shayne said, slapping his hand onto his leg, causing the smack to echo slightly around the dugout. 

"Well, don't change the players around.” Ian defended, crossing his arms slightly.

"I'm not changing nobody!” Shayne argued.

"Take it easy, buddy.” Ian warned, holding his arms up in surrender.

"I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?” Shayne asked, leaning forward.

"That's right.” Ian nodded. 

"Ok.” Shayne agreed. 

"All right.” Ian agreed.

"What's the guy's name on first base?” Shayne clarified, after only a couple moments of silence.

"No. What is on second.” Ian said, pointing out.

"I'm not asking you who's on second.” Shayne said, his voice raising again, like his blood pressure.

"Who's on first.” Ian said, reasonably , head cocking to the side.

"I don't know.” Shayne said, throwing his hands up.

"He's on third, we're not talking about him.” Ian said, shaking his head.

"Now how did I get on third base?” Shayne asked after sputtering. 

"Why you mentioned his name.” Ian said logically, hands spread.

"If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?” Shayne asked, gesticulating his arm into the air.

"No. Who's playing first.” Ian corrected.

"What's on first?” Shayne asked.

"What's on second.” Ian said again. 

"I don't know.” Shayne slumped against the bench.

"He's on third.” Ian reminded.

"There I go, back on third again!” Shayne yelled, projecting himself upright in his aggression.

"Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.” Shayne asked.

"All right, what do you want to know?” Ian asked, opening up his arms to signify an open field for questions.

"Now who's playing third base?” Shayne asked, begging for clarification.

"Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?” Ian asked, exasperated as well.

"What am I putting on third.” Shayne asked, bewildered.

"No. What is on second.” Ian corrected again.

"You don't want who on second?” Shayne asked.

"Who is on first.” Ian said.

"I don't know.” Shayne yelled.

“Third base!” They chorused, giving each other bewildered looks. 

"Look, you gotta outfield?” Shayne tried

"Sure.” Ian nodded.

"The left fielder's name?” Shayen requested.

"Why.” Ian said plainly.

"I just thought I'd ask you.” Shayne said, feeling conscious under the sudden question. He was shrugging in response.

"Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.” Ian said.

"Then tell me who's playing left field.” Shayne asked

"Who's playing first.” Ian yelled.

"I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?” Shayne begged.

"No, What is on second.” Ian said, getting slightly annoyed.

"I'm not asking you who's on second.” Shayne said, gesticulating again.

"Who's on first!” Ian said, replying to Shayne’s wild gestures.

"I don't know.” Shayne growled

“Third base!” They chimed again, glaring.

"The left fielder's name?” Shayne asked again.

"Why.” Ian said, the end of the name quirking into a question.

"Because!” Shayne yelled.

"Oh, he's centerfield.” Ian said, gesturing to the field again.

"Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?” Shayne asked, switching positions again.

"Sure.” Ian said, as if it was a dumb question.

"The pitcher's name?” Shayne prompted.

"Tomorrow.” Ian supplied.

"You don't want to tell me today?” Shayne asked, taken aback.

"I'm telling you now.” Ian said, the irritation of not being understood rising again.

"Then go ahead.” Shayne requested, again.

"Tomorrow!” Ian yelled.

"What time?” Shayne asked.

"What time what?” Ian asked, halting.

"What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?” Shayne asked.

"Now listen. Who is not pitching.” Ian scolded. ‘ _ This kid keeps changing my players around…’ _ Ian thought scathingly.

"I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?” Shayne growled out.

"What's on second.” Ian reminded.

"I don't know.” Shayne said, exasperated.

“Third base!” They chimed again.

"Gotta a catcher?” Shayne asked wearily.

"Certainly.” Ian nodded.

"The catcher's name?” Shayne asked, preparing himself.

"Today.” Ian said, simply.

"Today, and tomorrow's pitching.” Shayne asked, confused.

"Now you've got it.” Ian said, patting Shayne on the shoulder.

"All we got is a couple of days on the team.” Shayne yelled.

"You know I'm a catcher too.” Shayne noted.

"So they tell me.” Ian said surly.

"I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?” Shayne asked, playing through the play.

"Now that's the first thing you've said right.” Ian said, grinning easily.

"I don't even know what I'm talking about!” Shayne gasped out, annoyed.

"That's all you have to do.” Ian assured.

"Is to throw the ball to first base.” Shayne checked.

"Yes!” Ian nodded.

"Now who's got it?” Shayne asked, attempting to finally get this guy’s damn name.

"Naturally.” Ian nodded.

"Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?” Shayne tried again.

"Naturally.” Ian assured.

"Who?” 

"Naturally.” 

"Naturally?”

"Naturally.”

"So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.” Shayne grinned.

"No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.” Ian amended.

"Naturally.” Shayne repeated.

"That's different.” Ian said,

"That's what I said.” Shayne said.

"You're not saying it…” Ian trailed

"I throw the ball to Naturally.” Shayne argued.

"You throw it to Who.” Ian argued back.

"Naturally.” Shayne said, tossing his hands up.

"That's it.” Ian nodded.

"That's what I said!” Shayne yelled again.

"You ask me.” Ian asked.

"I throw the ball to who?” Shayne asked.

"Naturally.” Ian supplied.

"Now you ask me.” Shayne requested.

"You throw the ball to Who?” Ian asked.

"Naturally.” Shayne supplied.

"That's it.” Ian nodded.

"Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!” Shayne erupted, standing up and throwing his hat to the ground.

"What?” Ian asked, confounded.

"I said I don't give a darn!” Shayne yelled.

"Oh, that's our shortstop.” Ian grinned. Shayne sputtered angrily and lunged to wring Ian’s neck for his trickery. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Follow for more smoshy goodness on Tumblr @whatisasmosh


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